I never talked about this

But two years ago, When i did nothing but party. Me and my friend were riding around trying to find one and she had to go to a friends house, cause her friend was being emo. So I went out to a party at the lake by myself with a bunch of guys and me only knowing one of them.
I sat next to a guy and shared a 30 pack with him.. and as soon as I stood up.. I found out how drunk I was.
Well later on that night, someone threw a beer in the fire, and the guy I was sittin next to thought it was me and called me a "bitch". well I got mad and slapped him and he stood up and was gonna hit me but this other guy made me sit on his lap. And that was about 1230ish 1 in the morning. Well I guess a few hours passed.. and I guess I woke up on the guys lap that I slapped.. with his hands down my pants. Still trying to comprehend what was being said and going on.. I heard the only guy I really knew say "just take her to the tent man, shes drunk and passed out." So I lifted up my head. And asked what time it was. It was 5 in the morning. And I asked where James was.. the guy who made me sit on his lap.. and they said he left hourrss ago. I do not remember a thing that happened that night. And it scares me because who knows what they did to me. I could have been raped or what not. And itts a little touchy subject.. since I dont know what happened at all..
Always have a friend with you when you drink..

It's Kinda funny actually.

How I put myself in this situation everytime... thinkin "ok this time I'm not gonna make a mistake. I learned from them and if a guy screws me over one more time I know how to deal." Not saying that this happened to me.. yet. I just hate how I am so positive about things.. and in the end it turns out the way I never expected it to. Sometimes I don't think.. And It gets me in trouble.. and When I do think about it.. I loose my chance. It's all so confusing. And annoying. But in the end.. none of this is gonna matter.







I really thought I was smarter this time then I usually been, but I guess I'm not. But once again.. I learn from my mistakes like I do everytime.. but nothing changes. AHHHHH. ejofhadjfhajfh














Have fun in basic (:

It'

Closure.

For the first time in my pregnancy, I realize your not man enough to step up and take care of what you helped make. But you know what, It's ok (: So many night's I cried myself to sleep, because you left me when I tried so hard to make this work. And even after you left me, you were all I thought about and I felt like I should fight for you. SO I did. But I'm done with that now. Fighting for someone who is as stupid as you, is stupid of me. It's a shame another guy has been there basically throughout my whole pregnancy when you were sleeping around with other females. We all know where whores go when they die. Just saying (:

The start of a new life.

I met a guy (Johnathan) in Decemeber. He was in the Army and what I thought was, the man of my dreams. He was so amazing and cute. And always made me smile. We felt so comfortable around each other it was insane. I remember the first time we hung out. We just sat in his car and talked. And I had to go in, and he got out and gave me a hug. He texted me a few minutes later saying he really wanted to kiss me but was to nervous to. I thought it was way cute. We started dating. Our first date was so cute. We didn't really go on the date till later that night, but we went to walmart, walked around, and went to Waynes, a famous fast food joint here. He took my drink.. and wouldn't give it back. I went to grab it and he kissed me. The only thoughts going through my head at that point was "wow, I think my world just stopped". I didn't even care anymore about the drink. My lips locked on to his was the most amazing feeling I ever felt. To me he was the sweetest guy I could ever meet. It was like a dream come true. We spent everyday together, from the time he got off work, to about 3 in the morning. even though he had PT. I started staying the night with him.. And then the fighting began. And then the whole "this is gonna end up "happily ever after"" ended.  My period was always at the beginning of the month. And earlier February comes, no period. I just blew if off cause my period got messed up anyway in the last 2 months. I stayed the night with Johnathan on February 12th. We were supposed to spend Valentines day weekend together. But February 13th, my friend invited us to a party, I don't drink, but I wanted to go. And he didn't. So I went by myself. I told him I'd be back the next morning to spend the day with him. Well the next morning, I called, and called, and called, and called him but no answer. and then he does answer, he tells me he's in Texas with friends. My first thought was "OMG!" So I went home and once again, spent the worse holiday by myself. I noticed dark veins on my breasts. And that I was always tired and eating alot. I told my friend about the it, and he said I might be pregnant. And that was just what I needed, a kid by a jerk. I turned 18 on February 18th, and four days later, me and my friends skipped school, and went to get a pregnancy test from this one place that provides them for free. I sat and waited for her to tell me the result. I was hoping negative. But the exact words coming out of her mouth "Ah, Congradulations, Your a new mom". My heart stopped.. and I didn't know what to think. I asked her if the test was accurate and she said I could have an ultra sound if I wanted to make sure. I was 3 weeks pregnant, and the ultra sound just showed a sack. I was still not convinced I was pregnant. I texted Johnathan and told him. He asked me "did you get an abortion" and of course, I don't believe in that so no. We broke up. To make a long story short. It's August now, since March I been single and feeling like I'm suffering with depression. He's not here. I go to the appointments by myself  and do everything BY myself. He called me a few weeks ago, drunk though. And told me he wanted me back and this and that. And me being my stupid self, I believed him. He didn't talk to me after that call. I saw him at the mall two weeks later, went up to him and asked why he been ignoring me. And the whole time, he was looking away. I texted him two nights ago, with an update, saying I'm 7 months now. And his response, "In two months, I'm gonna be a dad" No my dear, In two months your not. You haven't deserved that name yet. And I don't think you ever will. I have no one else to talk to about this, as to why I created a blog. But I'm just talking. I'm still doing this by myself. And I have a feeling I'm going to for the rest of my life. No guy wants a girl who has a kid. And I don't want people to pitty me or feel sorry for me. I just want people to understand what single moms go through and how hard it really is.